How to pick great lovers

“MrCunningLinguist” asked:

How do women select great lovers aka whats the criteria?
What are the secrets of selecting a great lover?

As a woman, I have always had far more positive sexual experiences than negative ones. Now that I have good “people radar”, my sexual experiences are usually good to fantastic, even with new or inexperienced partners. I’ve learned how to be a good lover, and how to bring out the great lover in my partners. It’s a lovely combination!

Below is what works for me. I’ll add updates as people comment and give me ideas. ;-)

How to pick a great lover

Key concepts:

  • Understand that you seek a lover who is great FOR YOU, not some generic “great” lover. For instance, a person who wants 1/10 the sex you want, or 10 times as much, may match another partner’s sex drive perfectly — but that person is not a good match for your sex drive.

  • A great lover wants YOU. Someone who is attracted to you, who wants a man or woman like you, will make a much better lover than someone who thinks you’re blah or unattractive. No matter what body and personality you have, there are people who find you attractive. Pick your lovers from among them.
  • A great lover wants to pleasure and please you. Most people with these qualities are easy to turn into great lovers.
  • A great lover makes you FEEL great. You feel sexy, attractive, appreciated, and turned on. Because your lover likes what you do and lets you know it, you feel confident in your lovemaking skills. Someone who gives you orgasms but leaves you feeling crummy may be physically skilled, but they’re a lousy lover.
  • “Great” in the bedroom might be lousy outside it, so define what kind of “great” you want. Some women prefer to date “bad boys” and are willing to deal with the problems they create. I like to date kind people who minimize trouble, and create the kind of deep trust that facilitates the kinds of great sex I prefer. Pick what fires your rockets.
  • Great sex is a collaboration between the partners. It’s not something that just happens to someone, even to a person who mostly receives pleasure rather than giving it. That person’s responses are crucial to creating a great experience for both partners. Therefore…
  • Pick someone you respond strongly TO, and who responds strongly TO YOU. A lot of great sex is about “reading” each other’s responses, then adjusting what you do to create even more response. If either of you lies there like a corpse, it’s going to be difficult or impossible for the other partner to read those responses well enough to create great sex.
  • Test-drive your partner’s responsiveness using little interactions outside the bedroom. Someone who responds to your needs and preferences during a coffee date is probably attentive and thoughtful enough to respond to your desires in the bedroom. Uncaring or critical behavior in a date will probably show up in bed. A person’s minor behaviors express their habitual attitudes and priorities, so you can predict a lot from little things.
  • Have reasonable expectations. Treat potential partners like fellow human beings. Your date is someone who is probably just as confused, uncertain, and insecure about life and dating as you are. Have compassion. And remember, it might take several tries to sync with a new lover and go from decent sex to great sex.
  • The most important ingredient in finding a great lover is being a great partner yourself. If you’re a great partner, the people you date will find it easy to be great lovers when they’re with you.


Next: 4 ways to bring out the best in every lover

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