One of the tricks to finding great lovers is bringing out the best in other people. Bring out people’s kind and generous side, and you get to be around kind, generous people. Bring out a person’s red-hot inner lover, and you both get to have a great time.
I’ve learned to bring out the great lover in MOST of the guys and gals I play with by how I respond. You can learn to do this too. Here are the basics:
- Help people feel good when they’re around you. Instead of blaming or criticizing, focus on what does work and give sincere complements. When your lover does things you like, respond in a positive way, with praise, smiles, loving touch, or other positive feedback. Make sure you use responses your partner finds rewarding, rather than assuming what you like works for them.
- Clearly communicate what you want. Your lover is not a mind-reader. Rather than making him or her guess, be specific. (And ask, don’t demand.) Many guys and gals are desperate for clear requests and feedback from the opposite sex, and they’ll adore a partner who provides it.
- Give good feedback, especially about what works for you. If your lover touches you in a way that melts you, then sigh, moan, gasp, move, or say “Oh, yes!” or “That feels so good!” The more responsive you are, the easier it is for your lover to tell what you like and do more of it.
- Communicate in ways that create a safe space and help people open up, rather than shutting down. For instance, if your lover touches you in a way that doesn’t work, you could shut them down by saying “Don’t do that!” or criticizing. Enough of that, and they might start avoiding sex altogether! Or you could open them up by saying, “I would like it even better if you touched me here instead,” or “Please touch me more softly. Yes, like that!” When something in your relationship or sex life doesn’t work, focus on solving the issue in a nonjudgmental way, rather than blaming or criticizing.
I’ll write more about how to do each of these in later posts.
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